I couldn’t put my finger on this feeling I’ve had for the past 2 weeks. I’ve felt a bit anxious, nauseous even, and my heart has been racing a few times. I just feel like I’m always in a rush – to nowhere actually.
I feel like I need things to happen faster. I need emails to be returned (and god knows I need to return emails too!). I need more hours in the day. Actually scrap that, no I don’t. What I need is to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I don’t need to be in a rush and I don’t even know what the finish line looks like??!
I feel like I am forever trying to be productive and not waste a moment. I work for myself and feel so guilty if I am not being productive enough. I wake up each day sprinkling myself around a heap of projects I am a part of, trying to make things happen faster. I am always questioning should I be doing more, what else can I add to that, what else does it need?? I can sit in front of my computer for hours and hours trying to get stuff done, and trying to create new opportunities. Mostly that DOES pay off, but sometimes it’s just like being on a merry-go-round.
I know WHY I am doing this. I feel like I should be further along in my life than I am. I am 41 years old and I feel like I am (sometimes) running out of time to make things happen. I know WHY this is important to me… After my surgery in March this year (permanent colostomy bag) you would have heard me shout from the rooftops how amazing I have been feeling lately. Ha! I know, I can’t believe how well I am either. After 23 years of terrible Crohn’s Disease (and the last 2-3 years being the worst) I feel like I need to make up for lost time. I know that’s the EXACT reason why I feel like I need to go faster. I need to catch up. I’ve wasted enough years being septic, freezing cold, full of infection, tired and unhappy.
I’ve well and truly turned that around now. I feel so good, I’ve made some serious health changes. Added in some new vices and I am certainly much much much happier.
But that little self-doubt feeling has started to slowly creep back in.
My husband has worked in the same job and company (he now owns it) since he was 16 years old. He’s just turned 48. When I feel like things aren’t going fast enough for me I do have to stop and remind myself of what he’s been doing… What he’s been building over the 30-odd years. He never says he hates his job. He never takes days off. He shows up year after year working 50 hour weeks and rarely complains. Not many people can do that, and I think it’s truly admirable. He knows life is not a race, it’s a long long marathon.
This is his favourite saying “little potatoes fill the bag too Katrina.” He says it to me often! He said it to me just yesterday. It’s the best bit of advice he has given me.
We have a son who is 16 and a half. He is leaving school soon to be a builder. He will have his P plates soon. I think he and I are BOTH feeling like things aren’t going fast enough. He wants his independence. He wants money. He wants to drive and go camping with his mates.
We are currently parallel to each other – my son and I. So weird, but there is a lesson in this for both of us…
HE can’t expect things to happen over night. You build and build and build a life and nothing is handed to you. It takes time. I know this to be true.
While I am dishing out advice to my child, I am going to give it straight back to myself too.
Take the pressure off, stop comparing yourself, run your own race. The magic happens when you live in the moment. I think I got lost there for a bit, but I am consciously trying to stop that right now. I am also fully aware that I need to model this behaviour for my kids. I can’t possibly show them I feel like I’m wasting time, I’m not good enough, or I am angry with the world.
I blurt this all out on my blog because it’s such good therapy. I always write to clear my thoughts. I need to acknowledge them, own them, and then move on. So today the advice to myself is little potatoes fill the bag too… I’m going to stop trying to make life a race and calm my farm. I don’t need advice guys, I’m totes good. I just like to blurt stuff out now and then. It’s good for you! xx
As you were, good day to all ♥ KC.