What a year. If you follow me on Instagram you’ll see I’ve had some big changes. I haven’t written at all lately. I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve been pretty guarded and quiet about life because I also haven’t been well. Both physically and mentally.
But I’m having a huge operation in 2 weeks and for some reason I feel ramped up to start sharing again. Only because I have an attitude that I don’t give a crap anymore. I haven’t been allowed to feel happy at all this year. Actually, I’ve felt guilty about that (the slight thought of being happy), and now that I am faced with another big operation I kind of don’t care. Life could be short, who knows. What if this operation doesn’t go so well and I spent the few weeks before it being miserable?? Plus I also think my mental health has taken a dive again in the past 3 weeks because I have stuff hanging over my head. I really want to be free of all of that. I feel like writing it all out gives me permission (only by me) to say I DO deserve to be happy. ME. I am allowed to.
I had a marriage breakdown in January. I instigated it. But I didn’t have any control over how it all unfolded. That is super private, but if I’m telling MY story, then I will say that I also have never been treated so badly by people I thought were my family and friends. Many many times I was very frightened. But I’m not going to play the victim card. I have learnt so many lessons this year about how to treat people and how not to treat them. I have also learnt myself how to be a better person. I’ll own what I have to, but I am at the point where I will call out the bullshit too. What’s the saying about hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth…? You get the picture.
If I could do things differently I would, only for my boys. They have had it rough too because I had no control on the narrative. All I pray is that one day when they are older they can see the bigger picture.
I do want to move on from that. My boys and I are still close. They stay with me heaps and heaps. I see them every day. Even if they are at their Dad’s I still pick them up for school and collect them every single day. I know for a fact I am still a good Mum. I may have been shit at other stuff, but I am definitely 100% committed my gorgeous kids.
You may have also seen me renovating like crazy. I just had to find something to do. I HAD to put my energy in to something. My mental health needed that. I feel like people around me also found that strange. It was like I was supposed to act a certain way according to them. What is the right or wrong thing to do after a marriage breakdown? I don’t know. Fake it until you make it right? If I acted depressed and sad every day then what good is that? I would have been way worse. All I know is that if I didn’t have jobs to do every day I may not still be here in this world. I will also mention that I have a new partner. I look back and think maybe that wouldn’t have evolved the way it has if it wasn’t from the actions (or lack of) by people around me. But when you need ONE person (as in, just SOMEONE who makes sure you actually will wake up in the morning) you cling to that. That’s very private and no one’s business so that’s all I will ever say about that.
Then somewhere along the line I found myself knee deep in arguments with the local council over renovating. I am pretty sure I know how it all started. An anonymous phone call was made to the council and from there every move I made with my renos was under the spotlight. It still is. I don’t want to say too much about that yet, because I am complying with everything to get these renos done, but I will share more on how awful that’s been later on.
Ok, that’s been the year so far. What now? Well, if you’re a long time follower you would know I’ve had Crohn’s Disease since I was 18 years old. I got a permanent colostomy bag almost 4 years ago. I write a lot about that here. And now, in 2 weeks, I’m having a completion proctectomy. I knew it was coming. But this year has been a mental struggle and also my health suffered (as it does). What’s a proctectomy? Well it’s very gross. Basically, I’m having my bum sewn up. I’ll have a Barbie butt (except I will never look like a Barbie haha). The same surgeon who did my colostomy bag is doing this operation too. He’s doing it robotically. I’m flying to Sydney on my own and my Dad will come and get me when I’m ready to leave. I will share some of that stuff over on my Instagram.
So when this year is done and dusted I am not going to look back. I am going to allow myself to feel a bit better. I want to be free of judgement, and allowed to live my life. I want to be able to work again. I also want my boys to know that I’m human.
If anyone EVER falls, I’m your person. I will never judge you. If you’ve done something, not done something, need advice, or just someone who will listen, then I’m YOUR person. Send me a message.
I’m going to gather some more strength (I’m almost empty I know that), and try and get a hold of this surgery. I want to ace it. Did I think 12 months ago I’d be here right now? Nope. So this time in 12 months who knows where we will all be!
Then I’m going to be so strong that I’ll be unstoppable (well I’m praying for that).
And to any stalkers or gossipers out there – either jump on board or fuck off.
Gee, I feel better already just spilling that all out!
Lots of love to everyone out there doing it tough. I got ya.
Katrina. x
Dear Sweet Katrina,
I have just found you and I love everything you do, the genuine honesty. I have been through a marriage breakdown. It is excruciating, intensely personal, and lonely. Absolutely terrifying when there are kids involved. I was shocked by how people reacted-the judgment of people who should know your character and their ignorance of not wanting to admit there are two sides. I am on the other side now-it gets soo much better. Things I would tell myself back then; -peoples judgement and poor treatment comes from their own fear-it has nothing to do with your character. If you are triggered by a communication and feel you need to justify yourself-you do not and you do not need to respond immediately. Vent your response and then sleep on-then rewrite it in the morning. You will have moved past the anger/hurt/worry and will be able to focus on the real issue. I kept every email and read them and they are so loaded with pain-except for the times I slept on it. Teach your kids what it means to always so the right thing, don’t point fingers but do teach what good and respectful behavior are. Consistency will keep your kids close and bring them back home especially when they are older. it’s hard, so hard, and it takes forever and it requires massive faith. You will doubt yourself all along the way, you will want to overparent, compensate, be a friend instead of a parent-just keep telling yourself to do the right thing. I would also find a divorce support group-having your feelings validated and learning how others handled events will take you a long way. I tried to do it by myself because as you know the feelings of failure and guilt can be overwhelming. Find a group-there is so much strength there to learn from and share. I think you are pretty good at the sharing part! You have everything you need to be the best parent, you love your kids and removed them from a unhealthy situation. You are always setting an example to your kids, let them see you hurt, let them see you make mistakes, let them see you apologize, let them see you learn and grow. They just need to know that you love them and they are always safe. I will also tell you I have received apologies from many who treated me like crap, some people have to have more experiences before they get it. And anytime I hear someone talking about a breakdown in any ones’ relationship-I always say there are always two sides-people usually don’t go looking for a hurtful situation-that shuts people up. Again-it’s a long journey but it gets better throughout it. You already have everything you need girl! You go this-and if you need a judgment free vent-reach out!
Hi Katrina
Your strength to share such a personal event and journey is amazing. You are such an inspiration to many. I hope that the New Year brings you calm and happiness.
Wishing you all the best and sending healing vibes with your pending surgery.
Take care xxxx
You have remained strong in a really terrible year. I’m sure that hasn’t helped with your health issues. Heal well after your surgery, and rest that body until it’s time to get back into it all. I hope your family gathers around and looks after you. Best wishes.